Winkweb

Anwen

2008-03-27T00:45:00.003Z

Anwen Dorothy Violeta Wink.
Born 6pm, 26th March 2008.

Mother and child beautiful and well :-)

Dancing Baby

2006-10-29T13:05:00.000Z

Big Al's Family Fiesta 2006

2006-10-09T10:35:00.000+01:00

We all enjoyed the family jaunt to Gibraltar; none moreso than Jamie, who expressed his pleasure in the form of a pool-side dance.

To see more, please click on "Mr Shakey".

You've got some food on you

2006-09-05T13:00:00.000+01:00

Yes, it's another eagerly anticipated bi-sporadic update!

June
Our religious friends (in white) take a Sunday picnic a bit too seriously.

Birthday Girl says: "What is: 'present'?"

Potty training, the Isle of Wight way.

July
The Shars really enjoy our camping trip.

Catrin is amused to discover the source of the unpleasant odour is not Newby-ni-baby Luca, but - in fact - Daddy.

August

Catrin .. um .. you've got some food on you.

It's .. a baby!

2006-07-25T08:45:00.000+01:00

Luca Alberto Newby, born 4ish in the pm, 24th July, 2006.

Mother and baby and all others doing fine!

Click on the baby to see more!

The Mother of all Updates

2006-05-21T19:11:00.000+01:00

It seems I am finally waking from my Winter hibernation and I'm ready to face the world again until my next hibernation begins (sometime next week).

You'll be pleased to hear my handsome lessons are coming on very well. Predictably my written is better than my spoken, but I'm sure that this time next year I'll be fluent.

Actually that last sentence was just a joke: like I need handsome lessons! Look at me, future model for Chrissake!

I've managed to condense 5 months rock'n'roll life with child down into a choice set of photographs, hand picked by Cuban virgins. Brace yourself:

January: Catrin uses her newly found mind-control skills to convince Ellie to eat a plastic cup.

February: The Newbyweds celebrate by laughing at the giant elbow.

March: Ben is a guest presenter on BBC4's "Menus like me".

April: Matt's wild claims fool no-one!

May: Amsterdam comes to Southsea

New, for 2006

2006-01-03T22:44:00.000Z

As I am a forgetful sort I've had my wife and child handily sewn into my jumper.

It makes my life so much easier, and is also an excellent workout for my abs.

First after First

2005-09-16T21:54:00.000+01:00

It was a weekend of firsts:

Catrin's first time on a boat (amazingly she wasn't sick. This is amazing because currently she is the vomit tap)

Catrin's first time abroad (Isle of Wight. Still having problems with the language and the 80's haircuts)

Catrin's first time camping in the van (she was no help putting up the awning)

Claire's first attempt at suggestive camping photos

I AM NAD!

2005-09-06T22:51:00.000+01:00

It has been brought to my attention that my treatment on this blog of one of my friends has been a little cruel.

For starters I compared his face to that of a well-known vegetable.

Then I published a personal and private email on the blog, for the sole purpose of ridiculing him.

Finally I raided his personal and private online-photo collection and published two photos that present my friend in what some people might call an unflattering light. It has been suggested that I - at the very least - remove said photographs and presumably issue a lengthy public apology and an argument that the camera actually does lie a bit!

Clearly I'm not going to do that because - well - they make me laugh.

A lot.

They are funny.

As a sop though I shall tell you a little tale about an ugly duckling that I like to call Nad. By day Nad is the perfect human being: witty, generous, nice-smelling and above all, incredibly handsome. However, unbeknownst to all those striking good looks are nothing but an elaborately constructed LIE! Strip away hours of meticulously applied make-up, a certain amount of prosthetic work and relax the face that's continuously tensed and Lo! ... he's HIDEOUS!

I am not proud. I'll let you into a secret: I AM NAD!

NAD IS ME!

(we're even, you yam-faced goon!)

KAPOW!

2005-09-04T21:13:00.000+01:00

It was a beautiful weekend, it really was.

But Dad didn't know what he was dealing with when he expressed displeasure to Catrin about the baby-poo she'd recently deposited on his trousers and Mum's blouse: BOOM! A left hook right to the nose!

(Admittedly a hooter that size is the easiest of easy targets but COME ON! She's only 12 weeks!)

My friend Greg

2005-08-24T00:24:00.000+01:00

There are lots of things I'd like to tell you about my friend Greg.

For a start he's rubbish at cricket.

And he's rubbish at football.

And I beat him today at tennis

But mostly the things I'd like to tell you most about my friend Greg cannot be said.

They can only be seen.

A picture tells a thousand words. And all those words are .... Greg!

Happy Weekend Checklist

2005-08-21T18:15:00.000+01:00

Baby: check.
Lager: check.
Mini-chedders: check.

The simple pleasures are the best!

Chunder Cat

2005-08-01T22:57:00.000+01:00

Baby fact number 10: at 7 weeks old smiles can mean one of two things:

Your stupid face amuses me

I'm about to cover you in sick

Catrin is a very smiley baby.

No more cake for us

2005-07-21T23:00:00.000+01:00

This picture shows Claire, Catrin and I, and the last of our wedding cake.

A lot of the wedding cake has indirectly gone into feeding Catrin over the last few weeks .. Symbolic? Yes, and also the best excuse for eating enormous quantities of cake ever!

The Revolution Starts Here!

2005-07-18T21:57:00.000+01:00

We are - of course - raising our daughter to have the same ideals and aspirations that we do. The opinions of hard-line middle-class Liberalism are hard to divert (.. glass of Chardonnay you say? OK Then! )

We're thinking: two parts Martin Luther King's flair for design, one part Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen's eye for a bargain, and maybe just a twist of David Dickinson's commitment to political reform.

What do we want? Reasonably priced soft furnishings!
When do we want them? Whenever you're ready!

Power to the people!

Don't try this at home.

2005-07-12T21:04:00.000+01:00

Faced with her two grandaughters for the first time, Mum felt the urge to teach us one of the skills she learnt during her stint at the Cirque du Welshe: Baby Juggling! *

* (please note, no babies were harmed in the taking of this photo. Baby juggling is wrong and should not be attempted at any cost. If you are thinking of baby juggling, please call 999, ask for the police and hand yourself in, you sick person. Cat juggling - on the other hand - is perfectly acceptable and should be encouraged. Cats are evil. Not just nearly evil, really evil.)

Grandmother Flattened by Baby Giant

2005-07-06T20:06:00.000+01:00

This disturbing news just in: an unidentified woman who cannot be named for legal reasons has been - quite literally - flattened by baby giant (Tristan, age: 1).

Please be assured this photo has not been doctored or meddled with. It is not a product of trick photography or Jurassic Park style special effects. Tristan is one big baby!

No animals were harmed in the taking of this photo, although one Grandmother was slightly crushed.

Everybody's doing it

2005-06-27T21:36:00.000+01:00

Because I am the trend-setter of the family and everything I do is fab and great, my little brother - who clearly (and rightly) puts me on some kind of gold pedestal (with duck-down cushions) - attempts to copy every single thing I do. It's a form of worship.

If I'm the leader, he is my pack.

Hence it should come as no surprise to learn that if I can have a beautiful baby daughter, hey! he can too! Eloise Claire was born at 3am this morning weighing 7lbs 5oz to proud parents Jamie and Mel (and proud sister Alisha).

Congratulations to the new family, with love from this new family.

A meeting of minds.

2005-06-17T13:12:00.000+01:00

Father: My daughter: beautiful, perfect! I'm the luckiest man alive!

Daughter: Wookie needs a breath-mint.

A word to the men-folk.

2005-06-13T16:45:00.000+01:00

There are a few things that I've learnt in the last week that I should have known.

If you are having a baby - and you're a man-dunce like myself - here're a few things you should know:

It's going to be emotional. Actually I already knew this, but it's worth repeating. Are you a grown man? You will cry.

The bump does not disappear overnight. This is an important thing to know. You should be glad I've warned you of this before you say anything insensitive like - oh, I don't know - "I didn't know we were expecting twins! When's the other one coming out?". These kind of statements can fall very heavily on emotional ears. There's no need to thank me.

Breast-feeding? Get some Savoy Cabbage in; It's good shit. Remember though: only to be applied topically; if you accidently consume it please contact your doctor immediately (or wash it down with a gin).

Breast-feeding? There're 2 stages. The first is the colostrum phase. During this phase you can swap between breasts willy-nilly (so to speak). The second is the milk phase. During this phase stick to one at a time as the good milk is the milk at the end of the feed.

Babies lose weight after being born! As if 7lb 12oz isn't light enough, Catrin went down to 6lb 12oz within a few days. This is normal. Following advice 4. will help baby get back up there.

The first poo resembles the black-tar stuff you see bubbling up at the beginning of X-Files: The Movie.

The green poo (it goes: Black - Green - Korma) smells like rancid cheese. You can prepare for this smell by either getting some cheese in and letting it go rancid, or getting some rancid cheese in. I know: I'm a genius.

Remember all those nights on the beer, pubbing and clubbing until 4 in the morning and then getting up at 6 in the morning to go to work? This is natures preparation for the late-nights ahead of you when you have a kid! If you are thinking of having a kid - or if your partner is already pregnant - the absolute best thing you can do is go clubbing every week-night! Remember though, clubbing isn't mandatory: you could mix it up with casino nights too!

8. is actually very bad advice.

Just because you're a father now, doesn't mean you've suddenly got any good at shaving! (See pic)

Click on picture for more photos of baby! (What do you mean you're bored of the subject already?)

Catrin Wink

2005-06-08T13:41:00.000+01:00

Catrin Margaret Gwendolyn Wink.

Born 8th June, 2005.

7lbs 11oz.

Beautiful.

Mother and child doing fine.

Father still a bit frazzled.

They're sorry!

2004-11-10T20:03:00.000Z

They're really really sorry!

It's official!

2004-10-22T18:04:00.000+01:00

This just in from Reuters: Greg is a big Sally.

Yes, it's the news you already knew: Greg Macklin (a tubby 32) is a big Sally.

I received a private email from Greg Macklin (a bald and sweaty 32) this morning. Here is that email.

Red Sox in the World Series anyone?
Holy shit. We are all too happy for words here. I keep crying. It is the best sports feeling I have EVER had!! Can't wait for Saturday!

Credible I know, and true, Greg IS a big Sally.

To shed more light on the fact I turned to our American correspondant, Pat (a true dyed-in-the-wool Boston Red Sox fan). The transcript follows:

22/10/2004 17:59:52 Dan:
Had a mail from Greg about it: I can't believe how native he's gone: listen to this: "We are all too happy for words here. I keep crying. It is the best sports feeling I have EVER had!!"
"I keep crying"!!!!!
+o(

22/10/2004 18:00:14 Pat :
yes, he sent this to me...
Pat.....we are in the world series!!! I am still numb. I keep getting all emotional! Today I watched Sportscentre and started crying!!!
the man has gone mad!
Totally Mad!

22/10/2004 18:00:58 Dan:
Pat .. you can tell me .. have YOU been crying?
:|

22/10/2004 18:02:55 Pat:

no, I have not cried
I am a man, not a SALLY

And so a nation breathes a collective sigh of relief; it's finally out there: Greg Mackin is a big Sally.

This has been a very public service announcement.

Hairy men are more valuable than hairy women.

2004-10-14T13:18:00.000+01:00

Scrabble is a relaxing game of spirited word-play, right? WRONG! If you've ever played against me you'll know that Scrabble is a fiercely competitive game of naked aggression. The purpose of the game is to GET THE MOST POINTS, not to put down the prettiest words because nice words don't point. This is why no-one plays with me and I have to unleash my pent up feelings of scrabble unfulfillment here.

Those that have played against me will know my strategy - the only strategy - to win is to try to put down more than one word at once. The simple way of doing this is to use a suffix style letter (eg; 'S') in your word so it tails another word. (eg; putting "SPANK" at the end of "THONG".) The problem with this technique is that it only gives you the points of two words. I WANT MORE POINTS!

Clearly the solution is to run one word parallel above or below another, forming one big word, and many two-letter words. The problem with that is that there aren't many two-letter words, right? WRONG! There are 96 valid two-letter words that can be used. 96! Unfortunately they are not all in whatever dictionary we usually use for Scrabble (when we play it, which is never) and so I try to put this mind-bogglingly massive point score down that encompasses one normal word and four two-letter words, and I get challenged and - of course - have to remove my quality upper-cut of a word and have to put something shit down and thus spend the rest of the game sulking and shouting at people because I am a big fat girl.

For example, consider the word: "HIRSUTE". A nice word, probably scored some one a fair few points (especially as it's a 7-letter jobbie; extra 50 points right there thank-you). I would consider putting something like "MOTHERS" alongside "HIRSUTE" (With the "M" below the "I") for 6 extra two-letter words "IM", "RO", "ST", "UH", "TE" and "ER", giving me a pre-multiplier score of: 11 + 4 + 2 + 2 + 5 + 2 + 2 + 50 = 78. If the "H" was on a triple-letter this would be a pleasing 94 points.

If I tried this in a real game I would be asked to prove that "IM" is a word, and "ST" is a word and I would struggle .... UNTIL NOW! No longer will I be defeated in such a shallow way as this details all the 96 two-letter words that are legal valid and correct in Scrabble.

I can now prove that: "IM" is "I'M" which is a contraction of "I AM", which is allowed! Dan wins!

I can now prove that: "ST" is an exclaimation of impatience, which is ALLOWED! Dan wins!

Dan wins!

(Note: those finding the HIRSUTE MOTHERS concept a bit distasteful will be delighted to hear that MOTHERS can be easily substituted with FATHERS with equal validity and an increase in word score to 72! (hairy) Men are worth more than (hairy) women? Yes, it's a fact.)

Christopher Reeve Tribute

2004-10-13T15:36:00.000+01:00

This is a bit bizarre: a tribute that occured in Superhero MMORG City of Heroes.

The site includes a nice quote:
"So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable." - Christopher Reeve

Breaking Blog Silence ...

2004-09-22T09:08:00.000+01:00

... must have blacked out for a couple of weeks!

During that time a birthday and wedding anniversary have come and gone.

They were good .. and I've got photos somewhere ...

I'll get back to you, alright?

In the meantime please amuse yourself by watching the Shaun Of The Dead DVD over and over.

If that's not enough for you, get the Star Wars Trilogy on DVD and watch them time and again, I know I will (even though the "updated" Han/Greedo scene is STILL DODGY! It's slightly improved but ... just stop fiddling already!! Also, I'm yet to see it again but I'm certain the original Ewok Chubb-Chubb music is gone forever :-( I love that music. At least we've still got the original videos to fall back on.)

At least he hasn't messed with the Jawas.

I love Jawas.

HOO-TINI!!!

Trigtastic wedding

2004-09-05T16:27:00.000+01:00

Friday was Al and Tracy's fantastic wedding. It was fantastic for many reasons, an important one being the extra day off work: wicked!

Best wishes and good luck for the future go to Al, Tracy and little Caitlin; already a beautiful and happy family.

As for the best man - Iain - I can only say this: PUT THE MOUSE BACK IN THE HOUSE, FELLA!

Click on the happy couple to see more wedded bliss

Kites over Southsea

2004-09-01T08:15:00.000+01:00

This weekend was Southsea kite festival. There were numerous highlights and kites of note but I failed to take a single decent picture of the whole thing so I am reduced to nicking pictures off other sites!

I nicked this piccie of the World's Biggest Kite off of aeolian.co.uk. Please go there for decent pictures of the weekend; theirs are good. Mine are bad.

White Hunter, Black Slug

2004-08-28T10:59:00.000+01:00

After weeks of careful planning we executed our 'slug-sting' operation last night.

Waiting until the sun had gone down we sneaked out of the house knowing the prey's penchant for quiet dark lounges. We figured that the slug would wait for at least three hours after hubbub and light had disappeared, and then venture from its hiding place onto the rug to leave it's insidious messages of hate. This would take it - we guessed - another three hours to complete before it would slide home, giggling to itself like some evil slimy Hitler without any legs.

So after five hours of general feasting and merriment we - much like modern-day Hemingway's - burst back into the house to catch the bastard red-head-feelered.

That's right. We're bad.

Sister Ability

2004-08-24T09:28:00.000+01:00

Apparently I owe Jenni sponsor money for this years race for life in Nottingham.

She claims to have done it, and has supplied this photo for proof, so who am I to argue?!

One question: why is your body more tanned than your face? HUH? Just what is your sun-bathing routine, you big freak?

It's the greatest film ever made

2004-08-19T20:05:00.000+01:00

It doesn't get any better than this. It's like a perfectly made Plymouth and tonic to wash away the rancid antifreeze-and-snail-trail that was P******k.

Paycheck review.

2004-08-18T15:00:00.000+01:00

500 word capsule review of Paycheck.

Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad

It's not good.

I feel the pain of everyone ..

2004-08-17T12:32:00.000+01:00

This weekend involved a celebration of the Olympics; our very own Olympics involving golf, the 110metres, pool events, and much much more.

One of these quality events was - of course - electric shock roulette.

"Lucky" Dave had brought this fantastic device with him.

For those that don't know, electric shock roulette is a metallic disk with 4 ports that the contestants put their fingers in. A loud beeping then ensues and eventually one lucky punter gets a small electric shock. Fun, yes?!

You can see one here.

One of the first volunteers to play was our boy Ralph. We hit start and giggled. The beeps went for a bit and then stopped.

Nothing!

"Did anyone get shocked?" we asked.

"yes, it was me" says Ralph like nothing had happened.

We thought the toy must a dud until playing it again provoked much yelping and cursing by the shockee.

At that point we had much respect for Ralph:

Did he really shrug it off? .. yes, I guess he did.

Did it really not hurt?

You decide.

Dr Spock's for losers.

2004-08-13T18:09:00.000+01:00

Last Saturday we spent with a bag-full of kids: Morwenna (4) and Tristan (some months, only a couple though) Jessica (3) and Molly (about a year).

Our mission: to entertain and wear them out before they wear us out.

It was a close thing.

It was only after the best part of a day that we discovered the best road to happiness and contentment is not letting yourself be chased on the beach (tiring), and is not going on this and that playground ride (also tiring), but is - in fact - a paper flower.

Parents, that's all you need to know.

Forget your seventh edition of "Dr Spock".

Forget those expensive unappreciated toys.

Paper flowers are the future of child-care.

Dan wins.

Click on the happy child to see more.

Stop me if you've heard it.

2004-08-11T21:40:00.000+01:00

Met up with Andy from Fractured Axel as he kindly offered to help fix my kite .. well .. to fix my kite while I watch!

Also met Jason and Craig; all of them clearly excellent kite-flyers. It was amazing to watch what's possible with two bits of string and some sticks and sail (over-simplifying? Me?).

I had three reactions during the evening:
1) Wow!
2) I want to do THAT!
3) That's. not. possible.

.. actually I had a 4th reaction:
4) Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! .... um ..... sorry!

This reaction occured a lot when Andy let me fly his Outer Space, and Jason let me fly his Gemini and I accelerated both kites into the ground with loud THUMPs!

It was fun - just seeing the possibilities was pretty amazing - but I did feel the tadpole asking the frog how to jump! ... does that make sense? It's a bit Cantona: this Plymouth Gin is grrrrrrrrrreat!

Anyway, thanks guys for your generosity, help and tolerance!

Sentient Slug

2004-08-10T20:53:00.000+01:00

It's disgusting to admit but since we got back off holiday we've been terrorised by a slug.

Before we went we found a slug on the lounge rug. Nasty stuff, but we deduced it had come from the chopped wood we had put in the fireplace. We killed it.

When we got back from holiday we found more trails. Bastard! We checked everywhere .. no sign. Maybe they were old trails.

One morning we found new trails, the most obvious snaking through the middle of Claire's sandals. Nice. We took the lounge apart and removed all the wood from the fireplace; must have been in there then.

Nothing for a few days. Then, this morning Claire found MORE trails but still no slug!

WHAT'S GOING ON? Is this slug AVOIDING US?!

It's like it waits for us to go to bed - or leave for work - and then PARTYS ON DOWN!

I just don't get it. It's not even like the trails lead anywhere, they just randomly cross each other and fade away.

Maybe it's an invisible slug? Maybe it's shy? Maybe it just knows what we're like?

It. Will. Die.

More kite nice-ness

2004-08-10T08:09:00.000+01:00

After a few abortive attempts to fly the kite last week (mostly abortive due to lack of wind; there's nothing sadder than a 32 year old man wandering a park looking dejected because there's not enough wind to fly his new kite!) I finally managed to get it up on Eastney sea-front! Ooo-er and hooray!

Of course, after about an hour I managed to completely destroy another part of the kite, this time the spine. Arse!

Unable to find spare spines I put a cry-for-help on the Fractured Axel forums and within minutes I had a reply offering to help me out of my kite hole. (That sounds incredibly rude .. you know what I mean.)

Anyway, I thank all those involved, and it's another example of kite-related kindness.

Either that or I just generally deserve pity.

Or a bit of both.

... which was nice

2004-08-03T23:38:00.000+01:00

Attempted some kite-flying on Sunday. Was going to get the kite out, but saw there was a couple of guys who really knew what they were doing, so chickened out and just sat around watching them.

Started chatting to them - Colin and Dave - and was prompted by Colin to get our kite out and he'll teach us what to do! RESULT!

An excellent 3 hours of kite tuition followed. Very kind of them.

Of course I got a little overconfident. Within 10 seconds of informing Claire that I really felt in control of the kite, I promptly nose-dived into the ground an shredded a spreader. This is kite-speak for snapping one of the sticks .. or a euphemism for .. well .. I don't know.

Either way, it meant game-over for the day, but it was such a good day. I have to thank Colin and Dave for their generous and patient tutorship, especially when confronted with such obvious inability to take instruction and general feck-wittery.

In with a heavy cake

2004-07-30T12:48:00.000+01:00

After seeing Lost in Translation again last night I realised that it is - in fact - one of the best films ever made, and thus gets 2 out of a possible 2: It's the best film ever made..

As such it's pushed out M*A*S*H to make my top 5.

.. and yes, I have no new news or new pictures, so stop asking.

Holiday!

2004-07-20T12:57:00.000+01:00

Decided on a 'proper' holiday in the end: none of that sight-seeing gubbins, just pure relaxation.

Read many books. Flew many kites. Drank much wine.

Imporant information you should take from our holiday:

Kites are cool! See here for all you kiting needs. Alternatively visit The Kite Shop in Penzance.

Climbing is fun! If you're in Cornwall and you fancy some climbing action I can't recommend Annie enough. She taught us a lot about climbing, and didn't laugh when my foot cramped up the instant it touched the first foothold of the day!

If you're within 100 miles of this you owe it to yourself to go. Bring plenty of warm clothes, a picnic, and some gin.

Checkout some holiday piccies here.

On Holiday!

2004-07-10T12:53:00.000+01:00

.... have been for 2 weeks, and will be for another.

Van's been flaky, but it's got us places.

We're in Penzance, and have done THIS, which was nice.

Off you go then!

2004-06-27T23:49:00.000+01:00

Greg and Nora left today back to Guatamala

During the course of her stay Nora's classy rating went from 3000000 Burgess Units to 1210171 Burgess Units. That's a loss of about 100000 Burgess Units a day.

That's the equivalent of belching loudly whilst flashing a stranger every day!

During her stay, Nora queried the integrity of the predictive Nora Classy Counter, claiming that to be accurate it should actually go up at some point ... good one! I'm going to miss that wacky sense of humour!

Here we are again, happy as can be ...

2004-06-25T12:59:00.000+01:00

It's a familiar feeling.

It's important to find a scapegoat - of course.

Personally, I blame all the scabby morons who turn on Beckham at times like this, as if Beckham didn't dedicate his life to being the best footballer he can be, and didn't play to the best of his ability on the day - which is better than the combined footballing ability of all those who criticise - but in fact did deliberately throw the game and did miss the penalty on purpose and didn't pass the ball as well as we know he can to because he hates England and is evil and deserves our wrath.

Yes, I blame all those tedious pricks for not getting off their collective arses and becoming better than Beckham so they could do better and lead the team to European cup victory.

Fortunately the wife and I are Italian, and we got over it DAYS ago!

.... and there's no line here.

2004-06-21T14:17:00.000+01:00

The 11th annual Gregfest took place this weekend. Unlike Gregfests of yore, there was no music played at all as Greg's guitar was in Guatemala, and I didn't bring mine because I thought he had his.

There was a brief accapella version of "best breasts", but it was shit. Even worse than usual. That is truly a new level of badness.

It rained a bit.

Steve got very drunk and almost fell over laughing when we made Greg bark like a dog for 10p. As soon as I work out how to do streaming media, there shall be a link to it here.

The fire looked nice.

Ben made a funny face (see photo).

.. as you can see, the fun never stops in my rock-and-roll lifestyle.

It's .. a baby!!

2004-06-18T15:57:00.000+01:00

Tristan Edmond Charles Redwood was born yesterday: 17th June 2004 in time to hear the footie results! He was very pleased to hear that we beat the Swiss, and would have no doubt wished the team luck against Croatia if he wasn't so sleepy. He'd had a tiring day or something.

He weighs 7 pounds something. Really don't know.

Oh, and I've probably spelt Tristan wrong. Who knows? I'll ask him next time I see him.

Elvis Lives!

2004-06-16T18:12:00.000+01:00

As we are all aware, Greg disappears for months at a time.

He claims to spend much time in Guatemala, but there have been numerous sightings leading me to believe either a) he leads a bizarre double-life, or b) He's ashamed of working at a car-hire centre in Tintagel.

b), then.

Greg: do not be ashamed of working at a car-hire centre in Tintagel. There's plenty of other stuff in your life you should be ashamed of!

Then, the following mail dropped in my box .. my mailbox:

Regarding Greg's whereabouts.
http://www.warrenzevon.com/news/

http://www.wireimage.com/GalleryListing.asp?navtyp=gls====50613&evntI=629

He is posing as Warren Zevon's son.

Anon.

The resemblance is striking, and stirs me ponder on the striking similarities between Greg and Elvis:

Unsubstantiated reports of sightings in mundane places.

Big fat belly size.

Uncanny, uh-huh?

A call to arms.

2004-06-15T12:49:00.000+01:00

A gauntlet has been slapped across my rugged and manly face.

Yes! It's The 1st South Coast Softball Meet aka the, where the PO's take on the SO's in a winner takes f-all battle of the finest! (and the Southampton lot).

I've been in deep and intensive training for 32 years for this competition, and I'm feeling toned and ready for action (after a coffee and maybe a donut).

News of this formidable event has yet to reach BSUK but no doubt when the sheer array of talent that is the PO team has flexed their collective muscles, people will start to take notice!

The teams are impressive. Currently, for the PO's:

Dan. Captain and raw talent. Enormously endowed in a Softball sense.

Claire. Married to the raw talent. Raw talent by association.

.. and for the SO's

Sean. Captain. Opposition to raw talent.

That's it.

OK .. that's not impressive.

Come on people, this is a call to arms: your postcode needs you!

Contact your city representative now to avoid disappointment;

More news as, when and if it happens.

Classy update!

2004-06-12T12:12:00.000+01:00

Claire has just reminded me:

Last night we tried to explain the full significance of England vs France and the effect it will have on most English people this Sunday.

To put it into American context, Greg suggested the Superbowl. This had little effect on Nora so we asked what sporting events she might have an interest in ...

"I don't know ... wine-tasting?"

Less than classy!

Nora loses 7 Burgess Units, leaving her with a total of 2999993 Burgess Units.

A meeting of minds

2004-06-12T00:35:00.000+01:00

Nora's visiting.

She's classy. If you could count classy in units .. let's call them Burgess Units .. then she would have many Burgess Units (BU).

OK. Let's call today Day 1, and let's award Nora has 3 million BU. She's classy. She's here for 2 weeks. Just how many BU could she lose in 2 weeks?! None I say, NONE!

Anyway, I have no Nora classy photo to share at this time.

In the meantime, here's Greg showing Molly the dangers of using too much anti-wrinkle cream.

A delightful evening on the common

2004-06-08T17:22:00.000+01:00

One of the D-Day events occuring on the Saturday was "Euro-Rock"; yes, rock bands from different European countries united by their ability to hurt ears.

No, we didn't fancy it either, but we went anyway.

We camped out on the common nearby with a couple of drinks so we could impartially observe the aural carnage, and also witness the climax of the show: an "impressive" fireworks display.

Apparently "impressive" is Euro-speak for "absolutely shit".

I've seen more impressive glow-in-the-dark stickers.

And no-one was sick. I can guarantee you that.

You can't give booze t'baby

2004-06-07T23:16:00.000+01:00

Nice picnic.

Not enough beer.

Some little fecker drank it all!

Bus Update!

2004-06-07T22:35:00.000+01:00

We can't do it :-(

The thought of selling Pete is just too depressing to face so we've decided not to sell her and live off baked potatos for the rest of the year.

She. So. Beautiful.

Apologies to all those that have expressed interest.

D-Day

2004-06-07T15:35:00.000+01:00

Went to see the D-Day flotilla leave from Portsmouth to Normandy. Impressive and humbling.

Learnt that the French may have suffered up to 20,000 civilian casulties on D-Day from Allied bombing. Never considered this before.

Saw documentary which detailed a letter found in the ruins of a bombed French house by a dead body; the guy was trapped after bombs hit and knew he would die. In his letter he said that he was happy knowing that this was all part of the Allied invasion, and that soon France would be free again.

Definately not going to make any French jokes for at least a couple of weeks!

Greggles!

2004-06-04T23:55:00.000+01:00

Greg is back all the way from Fareham for a few weeks. He claims to have living in Antigua, Guatemala on and off for the last few years or so, but I have had my doubts.

There have been sightings.

I definately I saw him working in a car-hire centre in Tintagel, for example. And there's that elusive bald yam-faced waiter at Rosie's that I have never been able to get a really good look at.

However, his deception is more elaborate than even I imagined. A google search for "Greg Macklin Guatemala" found this and that.

This fits his unlikely story.

Can it be true?

Can he have been telling .. you know .. the truth?!

Southend: Land of the Midnight Sun

2004-06-01T11:15:00.000+01:00

Kindly invited by Helen and Michael to Southend for the airshow, which is put on every year especially for them.

Gravity must be different in Southend, as some planes did strange things that made no sense. Scotty may say "you canne change the laws of Physics" but to him I say "RAM IT! I know what I saw you faux-Scot buffoon! Are you calling me a liar, PAL?! You're too large to know the first thing about aerodynamics."

See more tubes of flying metal, a community of beach huts, and the mysterious Southend midnight sun, here.

Buy our Bus

2004-05-28T08:03:00.000+01:00

It is with great sadness that we have to sell our beloved Pete the Bus :-( We bought Pete a few years ago: She's a 1973 VW Westfalia conversion with stove, cool box and sink. The Roof hinges from the front. She sleeps 2 in the rock-and-roll bed in the bottom, and 2 little-uns in the roof. She also cruises at 60 and looks cooler than 99% of other vehicles on the road! We get a lot of smiles when we're out in her!

I'm going to compile a montage of great bus moments but for the moment - for any prospective buyers - you can see more photos here.

Buy our tickets

2004-05-27T23:10:00.000+01:00

In a moment of pure magnamimity, our great friend Guatamala Greg bought Claire and I tickets for the Isle Of Wight festival festival this year. It was a warm and welcome thing to do.

It is quite something to be on the receiving end of a generous act. By buying those tickets we are being told that we are wanted. We are special. At once you feel humbled and appreciated. We thank you Greg.

In fact this feeling is so good we feel guilty keeping it all too ourselves! As such we have decided to offer you the chance to buy these precious tickets that we got for nothing here, on ebay for a very reasonable price.

I assure you that any profit we make off of these tickets (roughly, all of it) will go towards making us feel even more special. I'm thinking food. I'm thinking wine. I'm thinking the kind of raw hedonistic pleasures one can only get from free money!

Feel wanted. Feel special. Buy our tickets.

Garden Gutting

2004-05-22T20:12:00.000+01:00

Clearly the only thing to do when you need to gut your garden is to take advantage of your friends and get them to do all the work. We did that.

Here is a photo of some very nice people digging out a big piece of concrete while I scratch my arse and drink coffee.

You can witness the garden make-over, here.

Plants for Jamie.

2004-05-22T08:53:00.000+01:00

Jamie: these are the plants on offer, although we have our doubts about the big shrub thing, and Claire might want the potted palm thing. Give me a ring.

Everyone else: Move along please, there's nothing to see here.

Things to do when you're ill

2004-05-21T12:45:00.000+01:00

Been ill. Watched some trash.

Trash I have seen:

Cabin Fever. A group of people are trapped in the woods and methodically killed off by a horrifying flesh-eating virus. Right. Thankyou. I know where I stand; it's a pulpy horror film. I like pulpy horror films. It's a GOOD pulpy horror film! It's vomity gore. It's also really funny.

Therefore it can only get 2 out of a possible 2: It's the greatest film ever made

Dreamcatcher. Friends since childhood, four troubled guys reunite for a camping trip, when they encounter a stranger with knowledge of an alternate and deadly world that they will soon see.. Right. Thankyou. That sounds shit but is a pulpy horror film and I like pulpy horror films. It's a S H I T pulpy horror film. So bad. There's a brilliant bit where Damian Lewis gets taken over by an alien lifeforce and so becomes an over-the-top English baddie. Other than that this film is a complete waste of $68M, Lawrence Kasden, William Goldman and 134 minutes of my life.

Therefore it can only get 0 out of a possible 2: It's an enormous pile of shit.

Marathon Midget

2004-05-20T19:36:00.000+01:00

He's small, but he's perfectly formed. Actually, he's just small.

This photo is the product of Lord of the Rings style camera trickery, but in reverse. To create this shot the left-most person is actually standing very close to the camera, and the right-most person is standing very far away. As such, we all look in proportion. Imagine Frodo standing next to Aragorn standing next to a cave troll and you get some insight into the true dimensions involved.

Witness the brave, the stoic, and some people running here.

Honeymoon

2004-05-19T13:24:00.000+01:00

Had a honeymoon. Also got married. Got married before the honeymoon.

Honeymoon did not meet expectation. No honey at all. Had plenty of maple syrup though. In that respect it was more a MapleSyrupMoon. Saw plenty of sun too. You know where this is going.

Anyway, please gaze at this picture of the happiest day of my life. It was a good one.

See more happy days here.

Alex and Alice get married in Czechoslovania.

2004-05-12T23:11:00.000+01:00

Prague. 2003. You remember.

It was the best of times. I looked good, and Nora Mercedes Castro had demeaned herself in so many ways. She was classy .. for about 20 seconds. Don't get me wrong, she's a lovely girl, but she's going out with Greg!

She can do so much better!

(Note to reader: this is saying nothing about Nora, but everything about Greg.)

Alice looked lovely.

Alex looked .. nice.

You can see how nice everyone looked here.

Phils 30th

2004-05-12T23:05:00.000+01:00

Another 30th! For fecks sake! Mine was fine, but this was just taking the piss! Still, my outfit was so choice.

Olly Bolly, Some passport shots, Morwenna and some cushions

2004-05-12T19:24:00.000+01:00

As you may have noticed, this blog is merely a way of storing and displaying photos. You may not have noticed that they are completely out of order.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking: "This man is the William Burroughs of the web-photo-publishing oeuf, with his slicing and re-arranging time".

Well, allow me to retort: "That's oeurve, you oaf."

You can view Olly (digga!) and the rest here.

John's 30th

2004-05-12T19:16:00.001+01:00

John was 30. I had been there so many times before, but I didn't want to steal his thunder. As you can see, good times were had, and we had good times.

You can see those good times here.

House Warming

2004-05-12T18:53:00.000+01:00

Our house was cold. We warmed it by rubbing our bare wit against many bottles of Kronenburg. Some say I ordered too much rice. They were sadly deceived.

You can view our house of delights here.

Als 40th

2004-05-11T22:39:00.000+01:00

We had a nice time. I didn't get drunk at all and I certainly didn't drink any cheese-based cocktails. That would have been silly.

View photos of Als 40th here.